


Total Eclipse of the Heart

by jessicabohlken12



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Attachment Issues, Bottom Cas, Bottom Dean, DeanCas - Freeform, Deep Relationship, Destiel - Freeform, First Love, Heartbreak, High School, High School AU, Loss of Virginity, Love, M/M, Original Character(s), Pain, Romance, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Cas, Top Dean, attempted suicide, emotional issues, meaningful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-22 07:49:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8278316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessicabohlken12/pseuds/jessicabohlken12
Summary: Castiel Novak, finally a senior in high school, wanting desperately to leave his shit hole of a life. Dean Winchester, also a senior in high school, has been moving from place to place his whole life until his father lands a job in Elmhurst, Illinois. Dean and Cas meet and sparks instantly fly. But will those sparks immediately die? Or will Dean push aside his emotional problems and finally want a relationship? And will Cas accept himself for who he is and decide to fall madly in love with one Dean Winchester?





	1. New Chapters for Some, Old Memories for Others

Dean Winchester has been to twelve schools in the last three years. The moving was finally coming to a stop because his father, John had landed a job in the small town of Elmhurst, Illinois. Dean hoped this meant the moving was coming to an end for good. Not just for his sake, but for his little brother Sam as well. It's Dean's senior year and he wants to actually graduate in a school he's attended for longer than a couple of months. It's also Sam's freshman year, the start of a new chapter, and all Dean wants is for his baby brother to hopefully graduate with the same group of friends he has from the beginning.

They arrive at their new house and it's... a total dump. The three men pull up to the new shack in their Impala. Dean steps out and stares in disbelief. What he's looking at is a single gray trailer, with a rusting green roof. Thank God they don't have any animals, otherwise they'd run away because of how bad the fence is falling apart. That isn't the worst part though. When they walk into the trailer the smell of mold overwhelms their sense. "Welcome home," Dean whispers to himself rolling his eyes. He walks down the hall to the far bedroom, "I call this one," he says. Dean turns the corner of the room and peers into it. It's a fairly big room that already has a mattress and the closet is a decent size. He drops the suitcase on the bed and turns around, only to be surprised to see what is on the wall behind him. His eyes scan over the numerous drawings that are hanging from the wall. They fill the space from top to bottom. He reaches his index finger up and traces over the grey colored drawings. Dean's eyes stop on a drawing of a girl hugging an animal. She just seems to be staring at him with no expression written on her face. The drawings bring a personality to the room so Dean decides to leave them up.

Dean opens his bag and begins to take out his clothes and the handful of books he's kept over the years. He places the books on the wooden desk that was already there when he walked into the room. He starts organizing his books in alphabetical order when Sam comes walking into his new room. Sam's eyes go straight to the wall and his eyes grow big while his mouth gapes up as he looks at the drawings. "Wow," Sam says, dragging out the word as long as he can. "These are awesome," he continues as he walks up to the wall eyeing every single one of them. Dean grins, turns back around, and continues to unpack, "Yeah they are, I think they were done by a girl.” Dean replies, and Sam stops at a drawing of a girl holding her face in her hands, "she seemed to have had some troubles." Dean crinkles his forehead in confusion and walks over to where Sam is standing. He takes in the drawing his little brother is gawking at, "Why do you say that?" He asks, taking in every detail. Sam places a small hand on the girl’s knees, tracing the lines gently, "Well if you look at the wall from a couple steps away," as he says this he drops his hand and takes a couple strides back, "you can see that all the drawings have no expressions and in every single one the girl is alone." Dean goes to stand where Sam is and looks at the wall. Sam is right. In all the drawings, the girl is drawn alone, no friends, no family. Just herself. In most of them she's just sitting and staring at you, but in others she's standing in a meadow, or hugging the dog, or even reading a book. But she's alone. Dean stares at the pictures for what seems like forever trying to look for a story behind them. His mind comes to a blank, he exhales a long breath and decides to keep them up on the wall anyways. They're beautiful even if they are sad. _They're beautifully sad_.

Dean finishes up putting the few clothes he has in the closet and walks down to Sam's room to see how it’s coming along. He walks in and sees Sam sprawled onto his bed surrounded by pastel pink walls. Dean can’t help it and laughs, a little too hard. Sam looks at him and rolls his eyes then returns to playing his video game on his phone. “Pink is a good color for you, Sammy.” Dean walks over and punches Sam’s arm playfully, still laughing. He earns the death stare, “it’s Sam and obviously this room was a girl’s room.” Dean walks over to Sam’s window and looks at the house next door. It’s also a trailer, but it’s a double wide and it’s in better shape than this one. Dean’s eyes drop a little - Pink was their mom’s favorite color. His mind takes him to the last good memory he has of his mother. They were sitting on the couch, and she was cutting Dean’s hair. She said she didn’t want a shaggy dog as a son and she insisted on cutting it herself. Mary dragged him to the living room and plopped him in the middle of the wooden floor. She’d sing to him while she cut his hair, and she had the most graceful voice. Dean could’ve listened to her sing forever. When Mary was finished with the back of his head, Dean would turn to face his mother. After she cut his bangs, she would place the scissors on the table and cup her little boy’s face. Her smile was radiant, and just thinking about her smile made Dean’s heart swell. Mary looked into his eyes, “Ah there’s those beautiful green gems. I was scared we’d lost them in that mop of a head.” They both laughed and Dean helped his mother clean up the hair off of the floor. Mary disappeared for a moment and came back with a fussy Sam. She looked up from Sam and was now looking at Dean. “Come here,” she said. Dean did as he was told and she wrapped her arms around him, still holding Sam. “Don’t tell your daddy, but you two are my favorite guys.” Dean smiled to himself, closed his eyes and squeezed his mother like it was the last time he’d see her. Little did he know it actually would be.

Dean snapped out of his daydream and wiped the tear that had escaped from his eyes. “Dean?” He heard his name being called and turned back to Sam who was wearing a confused look. “You alright?” Dean smiled, “Yeah, Sammy, I’m fine.” Dean left Sam alone and walked to the living room to find his dad unpacking his and Mary’s wedding album. John looked up for a second and a small smile crept unto his lips. “Your mother was beautiful, I wish she could see the fine young men her boys grew up to be.” Dean walked over and patted his father on the back, he never knew what to do when John talked about his mother. It was awkward to him, so he did what he could. John placed the wedding album on the coffee table and picked up the next one opening it to the first set of pictures. “She loved you two so much,” John’s voice cracked as he spoke. Dean knew he was crying, he gently removed the photo album from his father’s hands. “She loved you too, Dad.” John looked over at his son and forced a small smile. John pulled his son into a hug, Dean was shocked. John barley talked to Dean, let alone hug him. Dean, finally recognizing what was happening, draped his arms around his father and squeezed. Dean closed his eyes and his mind wandered back to Mary. He felt the tears slowly streaming down his face, but he couldn’t help it. John pulled away and noticed his son was crying. John placed a strong hand on Dean’s shoulder, “Son, look at me,” his voice was soft and Dean lifted his eyes to meet his father’s, “Crying is good for the soul.” John held a serious face for about two seconds and then started to chuckle, it finally registered to Dean that that had been a joke and joined his father in chuckling. They smiled and John exhaled a long breath before standing up and turning towards his bedroom. “I’m gonna go by Bobby’s and fill out some paperwork for the position, how about you take Sam up to the high school and gather those registration papers?” Dean nodded knowing his father couldn’t see him, and then paused cocking his head. “Wait, the job you have is with Uncle Bobby?” John turned slightly and Dean could see his father crack a smile, “I told you this would be the last time we moved.” Dean smiled to himself as he got up from the couch and walked towards Sam’s room.

When Dean gets to Sam’s room he hears his brother snoring. Dean grins to himself and walks over to his bed. He then leaps onto Sam’s bed, one foot on either side of Sam’s middle and Dean starts to jump. “Get up Sammy!” Dean calls, laughing. Sam stirs and opens his eyes to see Dean jumping over him, “Get off of me!” Sam replies pushing at Dean’s bow legged legs. Dean stops and looks down at his little brother protesting and raises an eye brow. “Technically I’m not on you, my legs are clearly on either side of you and NOT touching you.” Dean tries to sound intelligent and fails, causing Sam to abrupt with laughter. “Oh, you think that’s funny?” Sam’s eyes widen as Dean falls on top of him. “Dean!” Sam shrieks, “Yeah Sammy?” Dean replies, not moving an inch. “You weigh a million pounds get off!” Sam says in between bursts of laugher and Dean finally rolls off of his brother holding his stomach. “Okay, for real. Get some shoes, we’re taking a trip to the high school.” Sam groans and tilts his head back, “Why?” He whines and Dean stands up, wiping the dust off his jeans, “We have to get transfer papers, plus you need to walk around and memorize where your classes are… well we both do,” Dean grins and Sam smiles back as he gets up to retrieve his shoes. Once Sam gets his shoes on, he and Dean start to walk towards the school. Luckily they only live about a mile and a half from the school, so the walk wasn’t too straining.

When they get to the school they casually walk into the front office and a lady with bright blue glasses looks up from her desk at the two boys and gives them a huge smile. “May I help you?” She asks them sweetly. Dean looks down at her and smiles, “Yes, we actually need transfer papers. We just moved here from…” Dean broke off the sentence trying to remember where they lived before, “…We just moved here from a Columbia, South Carolina.” The lady fumbled around on her desk for a couple of minutes. "Sam and Dean Winchester?" She asks. Dean scrunches his eyebrows and nods. She hands him two packages. Dean looks down at the manila envelopes and noticed that the top one says  _Dean Winchester – Grade 12_. He looked up at the lady and before he could even ask, she answers the question he was pondering. “A man by the name of Bobby Singer called up here a couple weeks ago saying you two would show up and asked for me to set aside paperwork for when you did.” Dean nodded and he looked over at Sam who was smiling at the lady. “Well thank you,” he pauses before continuing, “Do you mind if we take a look around?” The desk lady nods for them to go ahead and wishes them the best of luck. Dean and Sam walk out the office and stare at the inside of the school. The colors were red and blue and the mascot was an eagle. _Elm High Eagles_ , Dean thought to himself, _makes sense_.

Dean takes out their schedules and hands Sam his. They find each of their classes and talk to some of the teachers who were actually there. Dean meets his history teacher. He’s a young man, perhaps maybe 25. He introduces himself and the teacher shakes his hand telling him his name is Mr. Thompson. “So, do you like history?” Mr. Thompson asks sitting down at his desk. Sam had run off to meet his Geometry teacher so Dean was alone. Dean looks at his teacher for a moment before answering, “Yeah,” he replies a smile creeping onto his lips, “I love it. I think it’s interesting to learn about what the people before us did, what mistakes they made, and their successes.” Mr. Thompson smiles at Dean’s explanation, “Any particular era?” Dean thinks about the question, “I would say the causes of the civil war and the actual war era.” Mr. Thompson tilts his head nodding, “And why’s that?” Dean looks at his hands, this teacher was interested in his thoughts, no teacher ever seemed to have really cared about what Dean thought. He looks up at Mr. Thompson again, “well in that time period this country was at war with itself. It was a war within the borders causing mass destruction, and reading about what comes after and how we rebuilt ourselves to become one of the strongest countries in the world fascinates me.” Mr. Thompson absorbs Dean’s answer still looking at Dean. “So not just the causes but the effects?” Dean flushes a little and lets out a little laugh, “Yeah,” he says and begins to stand up. “Well I hope you enjoy this class.” Dean smiles, “This is an AP class, correct?” Mr. Thompson nods and Dean walks out of the door and heads to the math hall to find his brother. When he gets there Sam was just walking out with a smile plastered to his face. “Dean!” He exclaims, running towards his older brother, “I’m so excited, all my teachers are really nice and they’re so excited to have me in their classes and-,” Dean let’s out a chuckle as Sam continues blabbing excitedly about the new school year. Before they walk out of the school he spots the lady from the office talking to someone, who he guesses is another teacher. She looks up at them and waves, they wave back and walk outside. Maybe this school will be good for him. For both of them. When they reach the bottom of the stairs that lead up to the school, Dean turns around and takes in the two story building. It’s all brick with a blue roof and red columns. It’s a badass looking school, and for once, Dean is actually excited about attending school. Wow, that’s never happened to him. He doesn’t know why, but he can only feel good things happening within the walls of Elm High… and out.

 

* * *

 

“It’s three in the afternoon, get up.” Those are the first words Castiel hears when he awakes from his nap. Those seven words are spoken by his little sister Anna. Castiel rolls away from his sister moaning into his pillow. “Leave me alone, Anna.” Anna sighs and shakes him, “Please Cas, I have to go to the school for student council. Mom and Dad are gone and you're the only other person that can drive.” Cas sits up and scratches his head looking at Anna. “Okay,” he says softly, “give me 5 minutes and I’ll take you.” She smiles and skips out of his room. Castiel looks around at his dark room. The blinds are closed, the lights are off, but he can still see the outline of the numerous posters plastered to his wall. He stands up rubbing his eyes and grabs the bottle of water that’s sitting on his night stand. He pulls on a pair of jeans and adjusts the long sleeved Fall Out Boy t-shirt he already has on before slipping on his black Vans. He picks up his keys and grabs his jacket. Before he does he pushes up the sleeve of his right arm and looks down at the new markings that he put there the night before. He sighs and gently rolls the sleeve back down. His cuts are still tender and they sting, but Cas has done it so many times that he’s gotten used to the pain. He takes his phone off the charger and walks to the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator and grabs a handful of grapes before going out to his car. Cas sees Anna already in the passenger seat of his four-door, black Jeep Wrangler. His parents bought him his Jeep when he turned 16 as a birthday gift, plus they just wanted something to spend their loads of cash on. Cas didn’t complain, he took the gift happily. Cas hops into the front seat, puts on his seatbelt, and starts the car. He pulls at the AUX cord and plugs it into his phone turning on his playlist. He looks over at Anna as she belts the first song that plays, **Second Chance - Shinedown**. He laughs and joins her as he pulls out of the long driveway.

They arrive at the school and he parks his car in his usual spot. Before he turns off the car he sees two guys walking away from the school. One is tall, he was wearing a leather jacket, dark wash jeans, and boots. The kid looks over at his Jeep and Cas can tell that the boy has green eyes. _Damn he’s hot_ , Cas thought. He realized what his mind just said and pushed those thoughts away. He looks at the younger kid, who has shaggy brown hair and is looking up at the older kid with a huge smile. Cas watches them walk for a second and a small smile then appears on his lips, then Castiel turns the ignition off and unplugs his phone. They hop out and begin to walk up the long treacherous stairs that lead to hell. Well, to Cas it was hell. When Cas walks through the front door he spots Ms. Alison standing in commons talking to Mr. Smith. She looks at him and smiles and breaks away from Mr. Smith to come talk to Cas. “Hello, Castiel. How are you?” Cas’ lips press together to from a straight line and he slowly nods, “I’m okay, who were those boys walking out of the school?” Alison smiles, “New kids, Dean and Sam Winchester. They just moved here from South Carolina.” _Dean Winchester_ , he repeats the name in his head. “Cool,” is all he says before he walks down the hallway towards the library where the student council meeting is being held. He walks his sister to the room and Anna insists on him leaving and says she has a ride home. He nods and walks outside back to his Jeep. He climbs in, and leans his head back against the leather head rest. He sighs thinking about how in three days he has to return to the place he hates the most. He scratches at his forearm on his right arm and grimaces as he remembers what he did the night before. He opens his eyes and looks at the school. “One more year, then you’re free.” Cas says that sentence a lot to himself because he feels that if he says it enough times then maybe, just maybe, the thoughts that haunt him will go away. Just one more year. Just get through senior year and then he’s gone. He starts his car and plugs up his phone once again. The blaring music puts his mind at rest and he drives to his spot about a mile and a half away from the school.

Cas parks his car on the side of the street and sneaks behind the houses into the woods. He walks for a good ten minutes before reaching _his_ tree. The tree is huge, and has many branches. He plops a seat on one of the lower branches and places a hand on the trunk. Scraping his fingers over the names that were carved into the bark.

_CN & AN._

Castiel and Anna always came out here. They'd sit at this very tree and they’d climb as high as they dared and pretended they were the King and Queen of the land. It was only a couple years ago they did this. Cas was a sophomore and Anna was a 7th grader. He used to love seeing the smile on his little sister’s face when she would climb higher and higher every day, and she would be so proud of herself. Cas leaned against the tree, thinking back to happier times. When life wasn’t such a fucking mess. When he was genuinely happy, and his thoughts weren't of suicide, or cutting, or various ways to disappear without leaving a trace of where he was going. Tears streamed down his face and he broke down. Once again.

The breakdowns have been coming every couple of days ever since he came out to his parents. He told his parents he was gay two years to the day. Cas’ parents were very religious, and he knew they wouldn’t take the news well. But he was done hiding. His thoughts were filled with fantasies of having a boyfriend and maybe even a husband someday, and those dreams excited him. His dad put him in the hospital that day and his mom told the cops that Cas was mugged to cover up the fact that his father almost killed him. After that they threw him into therapy. Castiel was _forced_ to go to therapy for several months, until he was “turned” back straight. After he convinced his parents he wasn’t gay _anymore_ , they let him stop going to therapy. His parents tell him that his Jeep was a birthday gift, when in fact it was actually a gift to him for putting a stop to the feelings he had for the same sex.

The thoughts of being in love with a guy stopped. He no longer had those fantasies. He still found guys attractive, he couldn’t control that. But he pushed the thoughts away. Ever since then his whole life had changed. He became uninterested in his friends, school, his family. He pushed his sister away, and that broke her heart. Cas quit coming out to their spot with her and eventually Anna stopped as well. Little did she know that Cas returned every so often. He felt as if their spot was his safe place. It was located behind their old house before his parents got rich and forced Cas to move, even though it was just a few miles in the opposite direction. So he was able to still sneak back.

Cas began to have suicidal thoughts shortly after his father put him in the hospital. Every time he went to therapy his hate for himself increased. He felt unwanted, like he was an abomination. He felt that the world would be better if he just left, and the therapist didn’t help at all. She would constantly tell him that he would go to Hell if he ever loved a man the way he was supposed to love a woman, and that God doesn't accept homosexuals. Castiel wasn't religious, he believed there was a high power but not exactly a God.

After a while, Cas would just stare into space and the thoughts of killing himself would surface in his mind. They were all he could think about. One night when he was home alone, he broke down for the first time. He cried and cried and cried and he couldn’t seem to stop. He walked to his dresser and looked into the mirror. He hated everything about himself. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t find a single thing that he liked. He looked down, tears falling off his cheeks and pooling on the wood of his dresser. He noticed there was a little pencil sharpener, and he cocked his head remembering what he saw online of these people who would use blades to cut their skin. Cas picked up the sharpener and broke it and picked up the razor blade. He looked at himself one more time in the mirror. His tears suddenly stopped and in that moment he felt nothing.

He continued to not feel any emotions as he guided the blade onto his skin and applied pressure. He watched as little droplets of blood dripped onto the non-cut skin. He felt the burning, but it didn’t hurt. It felt more as a sensation than pain. He made 15 cuts that very first night. He got up and went to the bath room and put band-aids along the cuts. After he bandaged himself up, he went back to his room and picked up the blade. Cas just stared at it, he finally placed it in the case of his glasses he never wore. Cas quickly grabbed a long sleeved t-shirt afraid someone was watching him, even though he knew no one was. He laid on his bed and thought about what he just did. Tears brimmed his eyes and flowed out. He wasn’t crying because he cut, he was crying at how good causing himself pain felt.

Castiel was still sitting at the tree, his breaths finally evened out and then he stood up. He looked up at the tree and smiled. He sighed and let out a sob before walking back to his car. As he walked towards his Jeep he glanced at his old house. Cas had hoped someone would’ve burned the house down, or tore it down because every time he looked at it all he saw were the bad memories. There were so many. So many bad memories in that house. But there were also bad memories already formed in his new house.

Castiel gets into his car and drives home in silence. He gets home to an empty house and he’s happy his parents aren’t there. He resents them and wants nothing to do with his dad. Whenever they try to talk to him he just sits there and replies in the least amount of words he possibly can and then hides in his room.

Cas walks in the door, grabs a soda and walks straight to his room. When he gets there the closes the door and locks it even though no one else is home. He shrugs off his jackets, takes off his shoes and throws them both on his dresser. He grabs the glasses case and sits on his bed. He rolls up his sleeves and stares down at the cuts. He looks at the various healing stages that are happening on his skin. He must’ve cut at least a thousand times over the past two years. But they’re not just on his forearms. Cas places the case on the bed and slips out of his jeans. Before grabbing a pair of sweatpants he looks down at his thighs. Runs his fingers over the scars and the freshly new cuts that are upon his skin. He closes his eyes and inhales and puts on the sweat pants. Cas grabs the case again and opens it. He takes out the four blades that are in there and holds them. He puts three away and places the case on the bed once again. He then looks at his forearm, and starts to cut. Some horizontal, some diagonal. He stops himself when he makes ten fresh ones because he knows later he’ll add more.

Cas stands up and places the case back where it was and grabs his sketchbook from under his bed. He opens to a fresh page and starts to draw the tree. Cas’ eyes begin to get really heavy as he draws. He tosses up his sketch book to the side and just lays there, thinking. _3 more days till senior year_. He closes his eyes, _one more year until you’re free_. Repeating this phrase puts his mind at ease, and thinking about leaving causes him to fall asleep faster. But his nightmares never let him get a full night's rest.


	2. Open House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, in this chapter I hope you start to make connections! Next chapter I'm going to add more of Dean's story. I just thought that in this chapter I would start to build Castiel. Please leave comments of suggestions or anything you'd like to see!

The next day, Elm High was holding an open house for all returning and new students. At the school, students were allowed to sign up for clubs, interact with their teachers, and meet ~~the~~ other students. During the open house, each grade level was going to have a meeting discussing the new school year and what the faculty and staff expect from them. The seniors would be first and it would end with the freshman class. Dean has been dozens of these, but he still gets butterflies in his stomach every time. It’s not the good butterflies either, Dean feels like people will judge him, and he won’t be able to reach their standards. But every time, Dean walks in there with a huge, fake smile, and pretends the anxiety isn’t eating him up inside.

            Dean looks in the mirror and assesses his outfit for the evening. He’s wearing his favorite red flannel, worn out dark blue jeans, and the same pair of black work boots that he’s had for three years. On top of all that, he pulls on his black leather jackets his father gave to him for his seventeenth birthday. Dean looks down at his watch ~~,~~ and sees it’s 5:15. “Sammy, c’mon we gotta go!” Dean calls from his bedroom. Dean grabs his phone and walks to the front door. Sam runs down the hallway, “Okay, okay let’s go.” Dean chuckles and rustles his little brother’s hair before walking out the door.

            Dean and Sam arrive at the high school at 5:45. When Dean walks through the big, glass doors that make the school look like royalty, his eyes widen as he takes in what’s before him. The ~~whole~~ front ~~area~~ of the school is covered in tables displaying different clubs the school holds. Dean’s, eyes catch on the sign that reads “History Club,” he smiles to himself knowing that’s the club he’s possibly going to join. Dean squeezes Sam’s shoulder letting him know that he can go look around if he wants. Sam responds by smiling up at his big brother and slowly walks through the various tables.

            Now alone, Dean shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans and walks from table to table admiring all the hard work that was put into each one. He smiles to himself as he goes through, and the thought that he’s graduating from this school keeps surfacing to his mind and it makes his heart swell with happiness. While Dean navigates through the tables, he meets several people. The first person he encounters is Charlie, who describes herself as an energetic ginger. Dean laughs at that description and tells her that he’s a die-hard nerd for history. They talk for a couple minutes and he informs her that he’s new and she asks him a bunch of questions like where he’s from, what he likes to do, what college he wants to attend. Dean thinks about that last question; he hasn’t really thought about college. He always thought that college was for the rich and that’s something he was far from. After he meets Charlie, he accidentally runs into a tall boy with dirty blond hair. “Shit, man, I’m sorry.” Dean spits out as he leans and picks up the papers he knocked out of the boy’s hands. “Don’t worry about it,” the boy snorts, “I’m Gabriel by the way.” Dean stands up and reaches out a hand to Gabriel, “Dean.” He replies. Gabriel takes Dean’s hand and shakes it firmly, smiling at Dean, “I haven’t seen you around, you’re new I’m assuming.” Dean nods, “That’s cool, I’m the senior class president so if you ever need anything, just come talk to me and I’ll see what I can do.” Dean chuckles, “Thanks man,” Dean stands there awkwardly for a minute when Gabe starts a conversation, “Have you found your way around the school yet?” Dean looks around at the huge open commons area, “Yeah, I’ve pretty much got it. History, and English are upstairs, and Science and Math are downstairs, right?” Gabe smiles, and turns around to the student council table and picks up a piece of paper.Dean looks down as Gabe hands it to him and notices it’s a map. Dean flushes as he realizes he was wrong. “History and Science are upstairs, while English and Math are downstairs,” Gabe states, pointing to the halls on the map, chuckling. “Hey, at least I got half of it right.” They laugh for a minute ~~,~~ and Dean looks up and let’s his eyes wander until he lands on Sam who is still making his way through the tables. Dean smiles to himself, “I’m gonna go find a seat,” he says pointing to the stair case. Gabriel looks over to where Dean is pointing and his face falls, Dean looks at him with a confused expression. Gabriel looks up and meets Dean’s eyes, “Yeah man, I’ll catch you later. Maybe we’ll have a class together.” Gabriel smiles and pats Dean on the shoulder. Dean awkwardly walks away towards the History Club table and picks up a pamphlet before finally walking over to the stairs. Dean notices a guy already sitting there and wonders if he’s the reason why Gabriel got that expression. The boy has headphones in, paying all his attention to his phone and none to his surroundings. Dean shrugs and takes a seat on the stair above the guy. Dean’s eyes search for Sam. He finally spots him standing at the student council talking to a pretty red head who looks to be about Sam’s age. They’re talking and Sam must’ve said something funny because the girl laughs and playfully hits Sam’s arm. Dean sees Sam blush and lets out a small laugh. He must’ve laughed a little too loud because the boy that’s sitting in front of him looks back at him. Dean meets the boy’s eyes and notices how blue this kid’s eyes are. Dean feels himself staring and cracks a smile, but the boy just turns around and goes back to his phone. Dean’s taken aback and leans ~~a~~ towards him to see what this dude is so into. Dean leans a little too close and he’s able to smell the kid. He smells of expensive cologne and _nature_. Dean licks his lips like he’s trying to taste the unique smell. He notices that the guy is playing a game and Dean smiles to himself. Dean sits back and he thinks of the kid’s eyes, they’re so _blue_ , even bluer than the ocean. They’re so beautiful. Dean almost reaches out and touches the kid just so he can see those eyes again.

Dean shakes the thoughts away almost as soon as they come. What is he doing? Describing a guy’s eyes as _beautiful_? Dean knows he’s bisexual; he’s been with girls and guys, and enjoyed the arousal both sexes gave him. But he’s never been so into someone’s _eyes_. Usually the people he’s with are nameless faces. Dean has a good reason for not caring about the names of the people he hooks up with. He’s not the kind of person that commits to someone, so he figures that if he refuses to know their names then he’ll be less likely to care about them. But there’s just something about this guy that makes Dean want to know his name.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_You’re nothing._

_You’re worthless._

_You don’t belong here!_

_You don’t deserve to breathe, you faggot!_

_Cas is now running. Running from the words his “family” is screaming at him. Running from the thoughts that are consuming him._

_He’s suddenly jerked back by his father and slammed to the ground. He’s being kicked over and over. When he glances up he doesn’t just see his father, his mother is participating also. Cas notices Anna standing behind them crying. He tries to tell her to leave but he coughs up blood instead. He feels his breaths shorten and he looks back up at his parents. They’re smiling while they’re kicking him. Cas leans back_ ~~s~~ _, his head hitting the ground with a hard thump. He struggles to find the strength to breathe, gasping and spitting blood. He feels weak and his eyes start to flutter. He takes one more breath_ ~~e~~ _and then it all turns black._

Cas jolts awake, sitting straight up, his cheeks soaked with tears. He feels his body in reaction to his nightmare. He grabs his phone and turns it on. After being blinded by the bright light it gives off, he reads the time; _5:30_ am. He closes his eyes and takes a couple of deep breath ~~e~~ s before slowly laying back down. Castiel touches his wrist, running his fingers over the cuts drowning in the sensation of the sting. “It’s just a dream,” his whispers to himself laying his hands on his chest, “Just a dream.”

Anna practically drags Castiel out of his nice, warm bed the next morning… and she’s not nice about it. “Cas, get up,” she whines, “It’s 4 o’clock.” Cas groans for her to go away but she still stands over him protesting, “It’s bad for your health to be sleeping all day.” Castiel stirs and finally opens his eyes just to roll them at her. “I’m up, happy? Now leave.” Anna glares at him then walks out of his room, slamming the door behind her. Castiel continues to lay there for a good fifteen minutes just staring at the ceiling. He finally sits up and ~~notices~~ his eyes feel extremely heavy. He rubs them and feels the crusted tear tracks from ~~the tears he cried~~ last night. Well the tears he didn’t know he cried until he woke up from the same dreadful dream he always does.

Castiel stands up and stretches his arms over his head as high as he can, letting out a long low moan in the process. He grabs the unopened Dr. Pepper from the dresser breaking the seal and the carbon dioxide before taking a giant swig. He makes a face as the soda burns his throat. Cas grabs a fresh pair of gray sweatpants and a new t-shirt. He walks out of his room down to the bathroom, once he’s there he closes and locks the door. Castiel pulls of his clothes and looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes drift down to his thighs, where they’re covered in scars and fresh cuts he made a couple days ago. Next, his eyes focus on the sides of his hips where he placed a few a week ago. Lastly, he makes his wrist and just stares at the many scares overlapping each other. He takes a deep breath before turning the water on in the shower. While the water is warming up, he decides to brush his teeth. The minty toothpaste and the Dr. Pepper he just drank make a terrible combination in his mouth and he gags a little. He turns the water off in the sink and sets his toothbrush back in the holder. Cas steps into the shower and lets the hot water wash over his body. He cleans himself for a good twenty minutes before getting out and drying himself. Cas pulls on fresh pair of red boxers and his gray sweatpants. He looks at his hips one more time, deciding that’s the place he’ll cut tonight, before pulling on a long sleeved, black t-shirt. After he glances at himself in the mirror one last time, he unlocks the door and steps into the cold hallway, letting the steam escape from his hot shower. He walks back to his room and grabs his favorite pair of Vans and pulls them on. He also grabs his wallet, keys, and his phone before walking to the kitchen.

He gets there only to see his parents sitting at the table, both on their laptops ignoring the world around them. Castiel rolls his eyes and shoots them a disgusted look. He walks to the refrigerator, and grabs a handful of grapes. “Hey honey,” his mother greets. Cas turns around to look ~~s~~ at his mother and gives her a nod. His mom used to be his favorite person in the whole world. He used to worship her, and the hugs she used to give him, oh man they were his favorite thing. But ever since she stood up for that piece of shit she calls her husband, he’s broken connections with her, and he doesn’t plan on reconnecting, ever. There’s no reason to when he’ll be gone in a year anyway.

Anna gallops to where her parents are sitting. She kisses _her_ father on the cheek, and does the same to _her_ mother. Castiel walks out the front door without saying goodbye, but it doesn’t matter because it’s not like they would care anyway. As soon as Anna gets in the car and buckles her seat belt, Cas puts his Jeep in reverse and pulls out of the driveway as fast as he can. He sees Anna look at him, but decides to ignore ** ~~s~~** her.

They arrive at the high school for the open house. The only reason why Cas even agreed to go was because it was an excuse to get the hell out the place he calls ‘home.’ Anna gets out but Castiel remains in his seat. It’s only 5:15, he won’t go in until about 5:45 or so. He plugs his headphones in, turns the volume all the way up and drowns his thoughts with lyrics of the numerous songs that play. He leans his head back and closes his eyes.

After about five songs, Cas looks at the time, _5:30_. “Whatever, I’ll just go in,” he says softly to himself as he opens the door. As he walks to the front entrance, he looks around and sees a few people he knows. They wave, wearing sympathetic looks. He just smiles back and continues walking. Everyone knows Castiel was “mugged,” and that’s what his friends believe is the reason why he quit hanging out with them. The only person that Castiel hasn’t pushed away is Gabriel, and that’s only because Gabe refuses to leave him. Honestly, Cas is grateful Gabe stayed by his side. Cas has actually begun to let Gabe in, but not all the way. No one knows Castiel’s darkest secrets, and he plans on keeping it that way.

Castiel walks into the school and sees the tables being set up for the many clubs Elm High sponsors. Cas has never joined a club, and doesn’t plan on joining one anytime soon. He glances around and spots Gabe putting up the Student Council table. Gabe meets Cas’ eyes and waves him over, Cas shakes his head and waves back. He walks over to the stair case, and plops on the fourth step. He takes out his phone, and pulls up Candy Crush. He giggles quietly to himself feeling like a total goofball, but he plays it anyway.

Castiel looks up again and when he does he spots the green eyed boy walking through the billions of tables of clubs. _Dean_. Cas sees him pick up a History Club pamphlet and watches as Dean smiles to himself. A smile creeps onto Cas lips as he watches Dean. Castiel snaps out of his gaze and notices Dean walking this way. He blushes and immediately looks down avoiding making eye contact. A couple minutes later Dean is sitting behind Cas when he hears Dean chuckle. Cas freezes thinking Dean is watching him play a game made for kids. He turns around and to his relief the green eyed boy isn’t looking at him. Suddenly the boy looks at Cas and Cas is frozen. Should he say something? Should he smile? Cas, say something! Cas holds the stare with Dean until a smile stretches onto Dean’s gorgeous lips. Cas can’t help but glance down at them for a split second. When he looks back into Dean’s eyes, he feels himself melting into them. What is happening? Cas pushes down the heat that’s starting to rise to his cheeks. Dean’s smile widens even more and Castiel turns around. He doesn’t even smile back, just turns around.

 "All seniors report to the auditorium at this time.”

Cas turns off his game and shoves his phone into his pocket. He stands, noticing Dean stand as well. “So he’s a senior,” Cas thinks to himself. When Cas gets to the bottom of the staircase he feels a strong hand on his shoulder. Cas turns slightly and sees that the hand belongs to the boy with the beautiful smile. “Hey, do you mind leading me to the auditorium?” Dean asks wearing a loose grin. Cas sucks in a sharp breath as he hears Dean’s voice. It’s just as beautiful – if not, more - as his eyes. “I’m new here, if you haven’t noticed,” Dean continues letting out a soft chuckle. Cas’ stomach irrupts with butterflies as he tries to form words. Failing to do so, he nods and turns back around. “Dean Winchester,” Dean says, falling into step with Castiel. Dean holds out a hand and Castiel looks down at it for a minute before taking it. He looks up at Dean’s face, just now noticing the hundreds of freckles painted beautifully on his face.

 

* * *

 

 

“C-Castiel Novak,” the blue eyed boy spits out. Dean smiles. _Castiel, I like it,_ he thinks to himself. “Neat name, any particular reason why your parents chose it?” Dean asks examining Castiel’s face. Castiel lets out a little laugh, “religious purpose,” is all he says. Dean nods and they walk the rest of the way in silence.

When the two boys arrive at the auditorium, Dean leans into Cas’ ear, “Could I sit with you?” Dean whispers as his nose fills up with the smell of Castiel. He smiles at the smell and Cas nods. They walk in and Cas chooses a couple of seats in the back. They sit down and Dean looks over at Cas. He looks at the silhouette of the boy sitting next to him and he feels his heart ~~beat~~ start to speed up. What’s gotten into him? Why all of a sudden is he _nervous_? Castiel turns towards him and then looks down. “So,” Cas starts, “is that younger guy your?” Dean’s eye brows crinkle together as he tries to think of when Castiel might have seen Sam and him. Cas must’ve noticed his confused look because he quickly stutters, “I-I saw you guys walking together outside of the school the other day.” Dean notices Cas’ cheeks flush a dark red. “Yeah, that’s Sammy,” Dean chuckles, “But don’t call him that, call him Sam otherwise he might try to fight you or something.” Cas laughs at this and Dean smiles, watching the boy beside him. “You have any siblings?” Cas nods slightly, and Dean sees a change in expressions in Cas’ face. “Yes, I do,” Cas says slowly, “I have a sister, Anna.” Dean nods trying to figure out what he said to make Cas upset.

Cas looks away from Dean and waves. Dean turns around and sees he’s waving at Gabriel, Dean smiles and gives a small wave to him as well. Before Dean turns back around he recognizes surprise in Gabriel’s expression. “I’m guessing you’ve met Gabe,” Cas says causing Dean to whip around. “Uh, yeah. Earlier today, he’s a cool guy.” Cas grins and looks at Gabe, “He’s a great friend.” Dean stares at Cas for a minute before blurting out his next question, “Are you two, like, a thing?” Dean sees Cas’ eyes widen and he sits up completely straight, his cheeks turning a blood red color. “No, of course not. I’m not gay,” Cas says a little too fast and unconvincing. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-” Before he could finish, the lights dim. “The meeting is about to start,” is all Cas says before facing the front, sitting very still.

The meeting lasts for about twenty minutes. The administration talks about IDs, parking, senior pictures, senior projects, college applications, and student council. Principal Chuck introduces the officers with much enthusiasm. Dean tries to pay attention but all he’s thinking about is how disturbed Cas got when he asked if Gabe and him were a thing. Was it such a big deal? Was that not acceptable at this school? The lights turn back on and Dean shakes the questions from his mind. He looks over at Cas who slowly gets up and looks at Dean from the corner of his eye. Dean takes that as a sign to get out of the way, so he walks into the aisle letting Cas out. Cas walks at a fast pace as if he’s trying to run away. Dean catches up with him and grabs his arm. “Are you okay?” Dean asks, concerned. Cas stops and looks straight into his eyes. There’s those blue eyes again. Dean stops himself from smiling, “All is peachy.” Cas says and then rips his arm from Dean’s grip and continues to walk. He sees him stop at the red headed girl that Sam was talking to earlier, Anna. He says something to her and she nods, and then Castiel walks out the front doors. Dean’s face falls and he considers following Cas. But he decides against it. Dean walks back to the staircase and sits where he sat earlier. He glances at where Cas was sitting, going over everything that happened. Dean shrugs, he just met the guy. But damn, there’s something about him that keeps Dean thinking about those perfect blue eyes.

* * *

 

 

The whole meeting Cas can’t stop thinking. Thinking about Dean asking if him and Gabriel were together. Of course, he doesn’t like Gabe. But why would Dean ask that? After the meeting was is over he gets up and practically runs out of the school. Dean grabs him and asks if he’s okay, he lies and says he is and then continues on his way. He stops by Anna pulling her to the side, “Hey, I gotta run. Are you going to be able to find a ride home?” Anna nods and Cas quickly turns around almost sprinting to his Jeep. He gets in the car and sits there. _Calm down,_ he says to himself as he closes his eyes taking deep breaths to slow down his racing heartbeat. _It was just a question_ , he continues. Cas finally calms down enough to start the car. He can’t believe he freaked out ** ~~,~~** over a stupid question. But Dean wasn’t just asking if he liked Gabe, Dean was asking if Cas was gay. Cas bites his inner cheek and thinks about Dean. He thinks of the way Dean’s hands felt on his shoulder, and how green his eyes were. His favorite thing though, was the freckles that decorated the bridge of his nose. Cas smiles, and then he tears up. He can’t. He can’t think of Dean like that. For one, because his nightmare might actually come true if he did, and two, Dean’s probably straight. A tear rolls down his cheek. The butterflies come swarming back as he fantasizes about Dean. He shuts his eyes hard, trying as hard as he can to throw the thoughts away. He fails. “God dammit!” He shouts, slamming his hands on the steering wheel. He puts his vehicle in reverse and pulls out of there, not caring that he’s breaking the law at the speed he’s going. ~~~~

Castiel arrives at the place five minutes later. He gets out, leaving his phone and his keys. He walks straight to the tree, not caring who sees him. When he finally gets there he leans his back against the giant trunk. He breathes in the crisp air, welcoming the smell of nature. He looks up at the sky and stares. Suddenly he turns around and punches the dark brown trunk of the tree he and Anna used to climb. He punches again and again until his knuckles bleed. The pain feels relieving as the endorphins flood throughout his body. Castiel sits down on the branch and covers his face with his hands. He doesn’t cry. He just sits there in that position. “You’re worthless,” Castiel lifts his head, “You’re nothing.” He stands, “You don’t deserve to breathe.” He hears his father say. The voices are in his head and he knows that. “Yes I do!” Castel screams, shaking from the rage. He collapses to his knees, his head falling. Castiel lets out a sob. “Why are you doing this to me?” Castiel whispers as he looks up to the clouds, “Why did you make me this way?” He looks down at his bloody knuckles again. Cas runs his right hand over the injury and he stands. Before he leaves, he walks over to the trunk again and places a hand over the carved initials from his sister and himself.

He remembers that day like it was yesterday. It was the summer of his sophomore year and Anna’s seventh grade year. The day was hot and the sun was heating up their skin causing it to become red with sun burn. Neither of them cared, they absolutely loved being outside.That day, Anna climbed the highest she ever had, grinning down at Cas, yelling at him to look. He laughed at her, “I see you!” He said, watching as her legs dangled over the branch. After a while he looked up at her again, “Come down here you goof.” She did as she was told. Cas pulled out the pocket knife his dad had bought him a couple weeks ago. He noticed Anna’s eyes widen as he pulled it out of the cover. Castiel leaned towards the trunk bringing the blade with him. He began carving and when he was finished _CN_ was printed into the tree. Anna laughed and clapped her hands immaturely. “My turn!” She said reaching for the blade. Castiel raised the knife over her head so she couldn’t reach it. “I’ll help you. I don’t want you to cut yourself.” Anna nodded and Cas brought the knife back down. He let her hold it and she walked over to the branch. He kept a safe distance and advised her as she carved her initials into the tree. When she was done, _CN & AN_ was on the trunk. She turned back to him wearing a huge smile. “Guess you didn’t need my help,” he says taking the knife away from her and putting it back in the cover. “Guess not!” Anna said enthusiastically. Castiel ran his fingers over their initials, “This is our tree now, and if we ~~were~~ ever ~~to~~ move, the next family will see this and know this is ours.” Castiel smiled down at his little sister. They both turned away from the tree and walked back to their home.

Castiel collects his thoughts and looks around one last time before walking out of the woods. Castiel glances at his old house and feels his chest tighten. God he wants to burn that place to the fucking ground. He feels himself walking towards the house. When he’s ten feet away he slows to a stop and looks at the gray trailer with the green roof. This was the place his dad beat the shit out of him. The place he first cut. The place where he became depressed. The place that used to bring him happiness, but now all it reminds him of is the pain he felt. The pain of his dad’s steel toe boots hitting him wherever. The feeling of his dad’s fist hitting his skin over and over. The feeling of his bones breaking. The words worthless, nothing, piece of shit being repeated as his dad kept pounding him. The feeling of _dying_.

Castiel tears his eyes away, forcing himself to turn around. He quickly jumps into the front seat of his car and takes off. The memories of what went down in that house come flooding back. Cas feels the itch to run that damn blade across his skin. When he walks through the front door he notices Anna sitting at the kitchen table, eating. Has he been gone that long? Cas pulls out his phone and checks the time, _7:30_. Guess he was. Cas walks into the kitchen and both his parents are sitting in the same seats they were when he left. He turns towards the pantry and begins to grab something to eat when he hears his father, “Castiel,” he says. Cas stiffens and turns towards his father. “Where have you been?” His father questions, Castiel looks at him, Cas’ lips pressing into a straight line. “Out,” he simply says and begins to turn back to the pantry. “That’s not good enough,” his father calls, and Castiel whips around. “Nothing I say or do is good enough. Let’s just leave it at that.” Castiel stomps to his room, slams the door, and locks it. He walks over to the dresser, grabbing the glasses case. He opens the case and pulls out one blade, he lifts his shirt up exposing the skin on his hips. Cas licks his lip as he runs the blade across his hips, leaving long cuts wrapping around his curves. He does the same thing to the other side and when he thinks he’s done he puts the blade and case away. Castiel continues to stand there watching the drops of blood run down his sides. A tear slips out of the corner of his eye, and before he knows it he’s crying again. He angrily wipes the tears away. The cuts finally stop bleeding and he goes to the bathroom to clean himself up.

Ten minutes later he’s back in his room. He plugs his phone up and plops onto his bed. Cas reaches down and grabs his sketch book. He opens his nightstand drawer and grabs a green colored pencil. When he’s finished drawing he looks at it. Two green eyes, and a nose with freckles covering the bridge. Cas smiles at it, impressed with how real it looks. He stares at the eyes until his own get heavy. He yawns and places the sketch book under his bed and puts away his colored pencil. Maybe those eyes will save him from the nightmare he knows he’s going to have. 


	3. Last First Day

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Dean groans as he rolls over and slams a hand on top of his annoying alarm clock. He has to smack it several times before it actually turns off. He slowly sits up, rubbing his sleepy eyes. He stands up, shivering as his feet hit the ice cold floor. At a snail’s pace, Dean walks into the bathroom, pees, washes his face, and brushes his teeth. When he walks back to his room he glimpses into Sam’s room to make sure he’s awake. He smiles as he sees his little brother packing and re-packing his book bag. “You know it’s only the first day,” Dean says causing Sam to jump. Sam whirls around and faces his older brother, “Jesus Dean, you scared the crap outta me.” Dean laughs and turns to go back to his room.

When he gets there, he grabs the outfit he picked out the night before. Dean begins pulling on a black button up, dark jeans, black boots, and his worn out leather jacket. After he finishes getting ready he walks over to the dresser and pulls his watch on. He looks up and picks up the picture sitting on his dresser. Dean stares down at the flawless face of his mother. A tear hits the glass and Dean smiles. “Well mom, this is it. Senior year,” he runs his thumb over the picture, “I’m a little excited, and a little nervous. But not as nervous as Sammy,” Dean laughs and pauses before continuing, “He’s sitting in his room right now, packing his book bag over and over. You would be proud of him.” Dean leans down and kisses the picture of his beautiful mother. He walks over to the desk and grabs the same book bag he’s had for three years, and walks out of his room. Dean wipes the tears off his cheeks and sniffles.

“Good morning!” Sam cheerfully calls from the dining room table. Dean smiles and walks over to Sam, “Good morning,” he replies rustling Sammy’s chocolate brown hair. Dean walks over to the pantry and grabs the box of Fruit Loops. After making himself a giant bowl, he walks over to the table and joins his brother. Dean notices Sam’s eyes get big when he sees the mountain of cereal he has in his bowl, “Don’t look at me like that,” Dean says wearing a goofy smile, “Guy’s gotta eat.” They both laugh and finish their breakfast in comfortable silence.

“Alright, let’s get to walking,” Dean says, putting the dirty dishes in the sink. He quickly grabs his book bag and heads over to the door. Dean and Sam begin their walk. On the way to school they crack jokes, push each other into ditches, and laugh. “This is gonna be a great year! I can feel it!” Sam says. Dean puts a hand on Sam’s shoulder and looks at him, “Yeah, I have the same feeling.” When they get to the school Sam breaks away from Dean and walks over to the red head he met at open house, who has a blonde at her side. Dean smiles as his little brother walks over to them and says something that makes them laugh.

Dean looks at the front entrance of the school and lets out a long exhale. While he’s looking around, his eyes land on Castiel,who is sitting by himself on a stair. Dean smiles to himself and starts to head over towards the blue eyed boy. Dean plops himself next to him, which seems to startle Castiel. “Morning,” Dean says, looking straight ahead noticing all the weird expressions people are giving him. Castiel takes out an ear phone, “Did you say something?” Dean glances over at him and smiles, “I said morning,” He sees Cas smile a little and look down, “Good morning,” he finally replies. “Are you excited for senior year?” Dean asks trying to start a conversation. Dean watches Cas as he looks down at his knuckles. Dean then notices Cas’ badly bruised hands. He crinkles his eye brows and looks back up to Cas’ face. “What happened?” Dean asks genuinely concerned. Cas’ face flushes and he looks into Dean’s eyes. Dean admires the blue eyes and tries not to smile as he takes in how beautiful they are. “None of your business,” Cas spits out and quickly stands up. Dean stands up with him, “Look I wasn’t trying to pry.” Cas stares at Dean for a moment before turning around and walking up the stairs. Dean thinks about following him, but before he can, he feels a hand on his arm. He turns around to find Gabe standing there. “Hey, don’t take it personally. Cas doesn’t really like people.” Dean sighs, “Yeah I got that,” he laughs quietly. “What’s his problem?” Dean watches as Gabriel looks down, “Let’s just say he’s had a rough time.” Dean slightly nods, the bell rings and he and Gabe walk into the school.

When Dean walks in he’s suddenly terrified. What if these people don’t like him? What if he says something stupid? What if he’s not good enough? He shakes the “what ifs” from his mind and plasters a fake smile on his face. Dean takes out the map Gabriel gave him at open house. He maneuvers his way through the crowds of teenagers until he arrives at his first period. Dean struts in and scans the classroom. He decides to take a seat halfway back, hoping this means the teacher will rarely call on him. The warning bell rings and Dean closes his eyes and breathes. “Everything will be okay,” he thinks to himself, “you’ve been through this countless times.” The only thing different is – is that if he fucks up it’ll follow him till graduation. There’s no more running away.

* * *

 

Music is screaming in his ears while he walks inside the giant school. Cas shoves his bruised knuckles into the pocket of his red leather jackets. Dean had asked about his hand and for a second, Cas was going to tell him. Not just that he punched the trunk of a tree, but everything. Something about Dean makes Cas just want to confide in him, and let everything out. God, how could a guy he met only a week ago make him feel this way? Cas does not want to get caught up in the green eyed boy. What if Dean doesn’t feel the same way? How could Cas even think about having a relationship with a guy? His father would kill him, and probably Dean as well. No, no. No. He can’t. He just can’t. It isn’t right.

Castiel trips over himself and almost falls as he jogs up the stairs. He walks inside with his head down and goes straight to class. Once he gets there he bee lines for a seat in the back of the classroom and plops on the chair. He folds his arms on the desk and puts his head down.

When the warning bell rings he lifts his head off the desk. Cas pulls up his phone and turns off his music. The final bell rings and Cas doesn’t even look around to see who is in his class. His first period is physics, and he knows he has to actually pay attention in this class. “Good morning class!” Mrs. Baker excitedly says. “Good morning,” the class says back, well everyone except Cas. She walks over to her desk and pulls out a sheet of paper, “Okay, let me quickly take attendance and then we will get started,” Mrs. Baker is wearing a bright huge smile that Castiel envies. “Castiel Novak?” He hears her say, “Here,” Cas replies and she smiles at him. She finishes the list and the last name called brings butterflies, “Dean Winchester?” “Here,” Dean calls, and Cas whips around to find the voice that came from the beautiful boy. His eyes meet Dean’s and Dean’s smiling at him. “Now that that’s over, everyone stand up with your things,” Cas slowly stands up with his things waiting for the next set of instructions. “Okay now pick your seats.” Cas sits right back down where he was and sees everyone else walk around picking seats near their friends. Cas sees Dean out of the corner of his eye. He sees him walk straight over to Cas and sit in the seat to Cas’ right.

“Hey,” Dean leans over and says after everyone is finally seated. Cas looks over at him and nods and then looks back at Mrs. Baker. “Okay now that everyone has found the seat they most desired, I want you,” She says pointing to Castiel’s row, “To look at the person to your right,” Castiel looks at Dean and sees he’s wearing a goofy smile, “That’s your partner for the whole semester.” Dean smiles and pats Cas’ back, “Don’t worry I’ll make this semester great.” Castiel feels his face start to heat up and knows Dean sees Cas’ cheeks start to redden because his expression shifts slightly. Cas immediately looks down, avoiding any more interaction with the boy he’s involuntarily developing feelings for.

The bell finally rings, signaling the end of first period. Castiel grabs his things and rushes out of the classroom. Dean follows him and catches Cas in the hallway. “Cas,” he calls but Castiel just continues to walk away from him. Cas slips into the bathroom, he walks over to the sink and looks at himself in the mirror. Dean knows. He has to know. Why else would his expression have changed? Cas turns on the cold water and splashes his face a couple times. His heart begins to race as he thinks about Dean. Just as Cas starts to lose his mind, he hears the bathroom door open. He keeps his head down so no one sees him. He hears boots skid across the floor until they stop at the sink next to him. Cas sees a black leather jacket out of the corner of his eye and knows it’s Dean standing there. He lifts his head and stares into Dean’s eyes.

“Hi,” Dean says wearing a small smile. Cas doesn’t move. He just stands there. A hand on either side of the sink, gripping it till so hard his knuckles are white. After a few minutes, Cas raises his eyes and meets Dean’s again. Dean just stands there smiling at him, but it’s a sympathetic smile. “Quit looking at me like that,” Cas shoots and Dean crinkles his eyebrows in confusion. “Looking at you like what?” Cas rolls his eyes and looks at himself in the mirror, “Like something’s wrong with me and I need help.” Dean leans his back against the sink and chuckles, “I’m not looking at you like there’s something wrong with you because there isn’t.” Cas looks at Dean once again, “Then why are you here?” Dean smiles and looks at his boots, “Because I wanted to make sure you were okay. Plus it’s free period so I have nothing to do.” Dean looks into Cas’ blue eyes, “I know what you’re going through, it was hard for me too.” Cas’ stiffens and turns away from Dean quickly, “What- what’re you talking about?” Dean walks in front of him so Cas has no choice but to look at him, “You’re finding guys attractive and not girls. You’re feeling things for guys but not for girls,” he breaks off leaning against the bathroom wall, “You’re gay.” Cas looks down and he feels a hand on his arm, “It’s okay,” Dean says quietly, “I’m bisexual, and have been for a while.” “What does that mean?” Cas whispers as he chokes back tears. “It mean I like boys and girls both,” Dean chuckles. “I’ve tried being with a girl before, but every time we were alone I never wanted to, you know, go there. Then when I’d be alone I’d think about being with a guy and it made my heart skip a beat, because that felt right to me,” Unable to control it any longer Cas lets out a soft sob. Dean lifts Cas’ chin so he’s looking right into his eyes, “It’s okay to like guys, Castiel. Nothing is wrong with that. So what, you wanna be with a guy? Who cares?” Castiel wipes his tears away, embarrassed that Dean had to see him bawl like a baby. “I’ve never kissed a guy so how do I know I’m gay?” Cas stumbles away from Dean, “Why is my brain saying ‘you like guys’ when I’ve never been with one?” Dean smiles and walks towards Cas, “Because your brain knows what you want.” Dean puts a hand on Cas’ shoulder and turns him around. Cas’ eyes widen as Dean gets closer. Dean pushes Cas up against the wall and looks into his eyes, Dean smiles and leans in. Dean presses their lips together. He feels Cas stiffen under him and then relax. Dean smiles against Cas’ lips. He starts to pull away and to his surprise Cas pushes their lips together again. He feels Cas’ hand on the small of his back and then takes his own and puts them on Cas’ waist.

Castiel pulls away and looks into Dean’s eyes. He just kissed the green eyed boy. His heart is racing and his face is flushed. Dean kissed him. Dean is smiling at him, and Cas is aware that Dean’s hands are still on his waist., but he can’t seem to move. Dean’s the first to move but he never takes his eyes off of Cas’. Castiel licks his lips, tasting Dean on them. “Why did you do that?” Castiel asks causing Dean to chuckle, “You said you’ve never kissed a guy so I just took it upon myself to give you that experience,” Castiel sees Dean’s expression change from happy to worried, “Was that not good?” Dean asks rubbing his hands together. Castiel smiles, “No, no. It was amazing, thank you.” Dean smiles back at him giggling, “Good.” They stand there staring at each other for what seems like a long time until Dean finally breaks the silence, “Well, I’m gonna go cruise around the halls.” Castiel nods slowly still looking at Dean, “Yeah, I should probably go too.” They stand there awkwardly grinning at each other for a minute and then Dean turns and leaves.

Castiel looks in the mirror one last time, and sees he can’t stop smiling. Everything that just happened was amazing. Dean had pushed him up against the bathroom wall and kissed him. Castiel bites the inside of his cheek and walks out of the bathroom. It felt right. It felt like it was meant to happen. In that moment Castiel knew that he liked boys. Not girls, just boys. But just one boy, Dean Winchester. Cas spends the rest of his free period in the library listening to music, smiling dumbly at himself.

* * *

 

What just happened? Dean walks out of the bathroom with a hand over his lips and his head down. He just kissed Castiel, and he told Cas it was only for his experience. But Dean knew it wasn’t. Dean had been thinking about kissing that blue eyed boy from the first day he met him. Dean chuckles and walks around the school for the rest of free period. Once the bell rings for it to be over he walks to his third period. The whole way he keeps an eye out for Castiel. He wants to see him, tell him he enjoyed the moment they shared. But he doesn’t see him.

Dean gets to his third period class and sits midway from the back. Attendance is called once the bell is rung and he’s disappointed that Cas isn’t in this class. The whole hour and a half Dean thinks about Castiel. Thinks about his eyes and the way he looked at Dean when Dean pushed him against the wall. His lips and how soft they felt against Dean’s. His hands and how they were pressed against the small of Dean’s back. His smell and how he smelled like nature and trees. His red leather jacket and how good it felt underneath Dean’s fingers and how they were wrapped around the curves of Cas’ hips.

When the bell rings for lunch it scares Dean. He feels himself jump a little and chuckles at himself. He gathers his things and walks to the cafeteria. Dean starts to get a little nervous. What if no one wants to sit with Dean? What if he has to sit alone? Dean rolls his eyes and pushes those annoying thoughts away. Dean gets to the cafeteria and scans for Cas, he fails to find him and sees Gabriel waving him over. Dean smiles at Gabe and walks over and sits in the only seat available. “Hey!” Gabe says, “How has your first day been?” Dean smiles to himself thinking about what happened, “It’s been awesome.” Gabe nods and swallows the food in his mouth, “Let me introduce you to everyone; this is Charlie,” Dean waves at the red head Gabe is pointing to, and she smiles at him. “That’s Megan, Charlie’s girlfriend,” Gabe is says, pointing at a blond who has green eyes like himself, “That’s Kevin,” he’s pointing at a small guy who’s reading and wearing yellow glasses “And that’s Cameron,” Gabriel is pointing at a brunette with big brown eyes, she’s wearing a huge smile and waving at Dean. Dean waves back and smiles at her. That’s all of Gabe’s friends and Gabe asks if Dean has made any of his own. “Not really, just you and Cas.” Gabriel gives him a weird look and takes another bite of his sandwich. For the rest of lunch Dean sits there listening to the conversations the people at his table are having. They ask him some questions like where he came from, what he likes to do, what he doesn’t like to do, his ideal date, all that stuff. Dean laughs at the ideal date part and comes up with a simple dinner and a movie.

After lunch he heads to his fourth period; History. Mr. Thompson greets him before Dean walks into the classroom. In this class Dean decides to sit in the front row. Dean sees Castiel walk into the classroom and butterflies immediately fill his stomach. “Cas!” Dean calls and Castiel turns around and faces him. Dean notices Cas’ face starts to redden. Dean smiles and points to a seat to his right. Cas glances and sees it’s empty and walks over. Cas puts his stuff down and slowly sits in the seat. Dean doesn’t say a word, instead he looks straight ahead as the bell rings to begin fourth period.

Mr. Thompson decides to dive right into the discovery of the New World. Dean takes out his notebook and starts to take a ton of notes. This kind of stuff fascinates him. When he glances over at Cas he sees him falling asleep. Dean quietly snickers and leans over to tap him. Castiel stiffens and sits up, “Sorry, history isn’t really my thing,” Cas say yawning. "Obviously,” Dean replies, rolling his eyes and grinning. Dean turns his attention back to the board and continues jotting things down.

By the end of class Dean has filled four pages of notes, making sure to write as much as he can. If he knows anything about history classes, it’s that the smallest bits of information will be on the tests. Mr. Thompson ends class five minutes early and let’s every one talk to their friends. Dean turns to Cas and sees he only took about a page of notes. Dean smiles to himself and digs his phone out of his pocket. He flips it open and goes to the “Add New Contact” section. He holds his phone out to Cas and he looks at him. “Put your number in you goof,” Cas smiles and takes it. After he puts it in he looks back at Dean, “Why?” Dean takes back his phone and saves the number, “So I can send you notes all semester because you obviously don’t like taking them.” Cas reddens and Dean chuckles, “It’s okay, history isn’t for everyone.”

The last bell rings to end the school day. Everyone in the class practically runs out of the room. Dean stands up and walks with Cas to commons. Dean sees Sam walking with the same red head and blonde he was with this morning. “Sammy!” Dean calls and Sam turns towards him and waves. Cas and Dean walk over to Sam, “Sam this is Cas, Cas this is my little brother Sam.” Cas smiles and looks at the red head, “Anna this is Dean, Dean this is my sister Anna.” Anna waves and Sam smiles at Cas. “Oh, uh, Dean, this is Jess,” Sam says pointing to the blonde, “She’s in three of my classes, and Anna is in my first two.” Dean nods and after standing there for a few more minutes they walk out of the school with Cas and Anna. “Where’s your car?” Castiel asks, walking towards the parking lot. “I don’t have one. Me and Sam walk to and from school.” Castiel looks surprised, “Do you need a ride?” Dean shakes his head and laughs, “Nah, we like the walk. It’s nice.” Castiel smiles, “Okay, well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” They look at each other for a minute and then Dean walks away.

* * *

 

 After Dean walks away Castiel walks to his Jeep and jumps in. He automatically plugs up his phone and turns on his playlist. Just as the song is going to hit the chorus, Anna turns the music down. “Is Dean your friend?” Cas looks at Anna, “Yeah I guess you could say that.” Anna stares at Cas and her lips are pressed in a straight line, “Or do you like him?’ Castiel’s whole body tenses, “What’re you talking about?” Anna rolls her eyes and smiles, “I’m not stupid Cas, I saw the way you were looking at him!” Castiel lets out a long exhale before answering, “I don’t know. Maybe. Yes, maybe.” Anna grabs his hand and looks back into his eyes, “I support you. 100%.” Castiel continues to look at her and he smiles a little, “You can’t tell mom and dad, or I might get ‘mugged’ again,” he says chuckling. Anna’s smile drops and is replaced by sad eyes and a frown, “That’s not funny. Of course I won’t say anything.” On that note Cas starts the Jeep and pulls out of the parking lot.        

When they get home, Cas stops in the kitchen, grabs a bottle of water and walks straight to his room. He drops his book bag on the floor and sprawls onto his bed. He recalls the bathroom incident and replays the kiss in his head. What did it mean? Does Dean have feelings for him too? Oh well, Castiel doesn’t think about it. A couple hours later he decides to take a shower. Cas walks over to his dresser and grabs some clothes. He also grabs the glasses case from its hiding spot. Once Cas gets to the bathroom he closes and locks the door. He turns on the shower and stands by the sink looking into the mirror. He picks up the glasses case and opens it. Cas takes out one blade and then shuts the case. Even after the events of today he still feels like a worthless piece of shit. He knows his father would beat the shit out of him if he knew what Cas and Dean had done. Cas’ eyes start to well up with tears because he knows he can’t have a relationship with Dean. But damn, that’s the only thing he wants. He takes off his shirt and flips over his right wrist. Cas runs the blade over his skin. There’s something different about this time though. This time he’s crying. He never cries when he cuts.

After he’s done showering he walks back to his room and lays on his bed. He reaches under the bed and grabs his sketch book. With just a pencil, he starts to draw. An hour has passed when Cas decides he’s finally done. He stares down at his drawing and sees himself pushed up against a wall with Dean wrapped around him, kissing him. Castiel sucks his lower lip in. What he wouldn’t give to be kissing Dean right now. Cas closes his sketch book and hugs it to his chest. Wow, he’s smiling a real smile for the first time in forever. It feels weird to him, being somewhat happy. Castiel puts his sketch book under the bed and turns off the light. While he falls asleep he holds on to the feeling of being happy. Sadly, that feeling isn’t going to stop the nightmares, if anything, it’ll make them worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's late! I hope you enjoy this chapter!!


	4. The Ox

It’s been two weeks since Dean planted one on Cas, and since then it’s all that’s been on Cas’ mind. The way Dean felt against his lips, the way he pushed Cas against the bathroom wall. The feeling of Dean’s hands on him. The way the kiss made Cas feel. But over the last two weeks nothing has changed between the boys. Cas has changed, he’s been engaging in conversations with people he now calls his friends. He’s even talking to Gabriel more. But this isn’t all because of Dean… Well for the most part it is. This green eyed boy is changing him. How is that possible? How can you meet someone and in so little time you find yourself changing your life? Cas had no answers to these questions, all he knew was it was true. Cas of course still had his dark side. Even with this change the cutting hasn’t stopped. He didn’t think anything could stop that. He hates himself, and every day he finds a new thing to hate. Like today he hates the way he feels for Dean. God, he knows what his parents would do to him. Probably send him to conversion therapy. They had told him that if he did not convert on his own then he would be sent away. Sent away to a place that would make him kill himself.

For the past two weeks Cas has went to sleep thinking about Dean, and waking up thinking about Dean. Was it too soon to be developing feelings for Dean? Surely not, he’s seen people who only talk for a day get together. But wait, who says Dean wants to be with Cas? Even if he did, how the hell was Cas going to hide his relationship with Dean? Cas laughs at the last thought. He shouldn’t have to hide anything. He should be happy with himself and the person he’s with and not be terrified of what his stupid parents think. Just one more year, Cas thinks to himself for the millionth time, and then you’re free. Leaving the depressing warmth of his home was all that motivated him to get through the day. That and getting to talk to Dean.

In first period Mrs. Baker is giving the class their first test. She hands it out and Cas reads the first question. He groans and rolls his eyes. He already knows he’s going to fail. Cas looks to his right and sees Dean eyeing him. Dean laughs and Cas does the same, Dean mouths something to Cas. Squinting to try and read his lips he finally makes out, “I’ll help you,” and Dean winks and goes back to his paper. After thirty minutes of staring at the same question, Cas hears a tapping sound coming from the right. He glances at Mrs. Baker who is turned around writing something on her huge chalk board. Cas turns to Dean, and in a fast moment Dean swaps papers with Cas. Shocked, Cas looks at the paper Dean has given him and notices that the test has no name. He turns his head slightly to see Dean, Dean smiles and draws air letters symbolling Cas to write his name at the top. Cas shakes his head, he knows it isn’t right to cheat. But when he looks at Dean, Dean leans in and whispers a little loudly, “I’m not asking.” Mrs. Baker turns around and stares into the class, “No talking guys,” she says sweetly and continues what she’s doing. Dean smiles and raises his eye brows, and then turns to take the same test he just took. Sighing, Cas signs his name at the top, feeling guilty as ever.

When first period ends and the tests are turned in, Cas slings his bookbag over his shoulder and waits for Dean outside of the classroom. Dean walks out noticing Cas and grins at him, “Why did you do that?” Cas starts, rubbing his hands together. “Saw you were stressing so I made a decision,” Dean said looking forward. “You didn’t have to do that, I deserved to have failed that test.” Dean stops walking and turns to Cas, “What’re friends for? Plus now you owe me,” Dean lightly punches Cas’ shoulder and they head to the library where they spend their free period together every day.

The library is practically empty with only a couple students sitting at separate tables reading or studying. They walk to their spot in the back corner of the library and plop on the thin gray carpet, with their backs pressed against the pale yellow wall. Dean digs through his book bag until he finally pulls out his history note book. “Don’t tell me we have a history test?” Cas grunts and closes his eyes. Dean starts to chuckle as he opens his notebook to the fresh notes they took last class, “You don’t pay attention do you?” Cas just looks at him and smiles. “No we don’t have a test, I just wanna be prepared if we have a quiz or anything.” Cas open his book bag and pulls out his notes as well. “I guess I should teach myself the Magna Carta, huh?” Dean laughs, “Yeah maybe you should do that.”

Castiel looks over his notes. He’s read them at least ten times, but nothing sinks in. The only think that’s on his mind is the guy beside him. Cas looks at Dean sideways and sees he’s actually studying. Damn Dean looks good when he’s concentrating. The way his jaw clenches, the way he slowly raises his eyebrows when he reads something intriguing makes Castiel melt into a puddle of awe. He shakes the feeling away, quietly clears his throat and continues reading the meaningless notes. “So, the Magna Carta was a document that gave nobles rights and privileges, plus it limited the King,” Dean said lifting his eyes off his notes to smile slyly at Cas. Castiel, a little flushed, continued to stare at the scrambled words sprawled on his paper. Dean’s phone started to vibrate which surprised Dean more than it did Cas. Castiel sees Dean pull up his messages;

**Daniel: Had fun last night, we should do it again sometime. (;**

Castiel averted his eyes when he read the sentence, was Dean seeing someone? Cas felt his heart drop and his stomach began to twist into giant knots. He watches Dean type something quickly and puts his phone down. “What was that about?” Cas asks, immediately regretting saying something. He didn’t think he had the right to ask, but he wanted to know. “Uh, nothing. Just some guy.” Cas feels his face fall. _Snap out of it!_ Cas thinks to himself. He doesn’t have the right to be upset. It’s not like they’re dating, or even talking. they shared one little kiss, so what? One little kiss that changed Cas’ world. But he didn’t expect Dean to feel the same. Why would he? Cas is a loser.

For the rest of the free period they sit in silence, and Cas catches Dean glance his way a couple times. Dean’s phone vibrates again, but this time he doesn’t pick it up. The bell rings, startling Cas. He gathers his things and jumps up. “Well, see ya in history,” Dean says as he walks away. “Actually you won’t,” Cas replies heading towards the door. “Wait,” Dean calls, “Why not, man?” Castiel remains looking down, “I just don’t feel good,” Cas lies. Dean’s eyebrows crinkle as he examines Cas’ face as if trying to find any symptom of a sickness, “Okay I’ll talk to you later I guess.” Castiel nods and walks out of the library straight to his vehicle.

 

* * *

 

 _Well that was weird_ , Dean thinks to himself as he watches Castiel walk out of the library. Dean feels his phone vibrate again. He takes it out of his back pocket and glances at the screen, _Daniel (2)_. Dean met Daniel at a club a few nights ago and slept with him to keep his mind distracted and off of Castiel. Ever since he initiated the kiss it’s all that he thinks about. But over the past couple of weeks Dean and Cas have developed this tight friendship and admitting feelings would just make things awkward. Dean unlocks his phone and pulls up the messages;

**Daniel: Wanna meet tonight?        Daniel: I’ll be at the same club if you’re interested.**

Dean pauses, reading the messages over again. He licks his lips and clenches his jaw as he shoots back a reply.

**Dean: Yeah, sounds fun.**

What is he doing? His phone vibrates with a reply from Daniel;

**Daniel: Good (;**

Dean exhales and closes his phone without replying. He runs his hand through his hair and heads for third period.

While in third period all Dean can think about is how weird Cas acted. He was obviously not sick, but then why was he pretending to be? Dean drives himself crazy trying to figure out why Castiel was upset. His mind comes up with blank after blank and finally the bell blares it’s tiring sound. Dean gets up and makes his way to the cafeteria where he spots Gabe. He takes his usual seat and takes out his phone and pulls up his messages;

**Dean: Hey, you feeling any better?**

He places his phone on the table and engages in a meaningless conversation about the strongest animal. “No, no. No! You have it wrong, Charlie,” Gabe practically screams, “The elephant is obviously the strongest. I mean have you seen the size of that mammal!” Gabriel laughs hysterically with the rest of the gang. “Dean,” Charlie shouts grabbing at his sleeve, “Please tell this fool that the rhino is the strongest!” Dean laughs and quickly erases his expression and puts on his most serious face. He dramatically clears his throat and looks between Charlie and Gabriel. “Now,” he starts continuing to look between the two, “You both have great points. But you’re forgetting the fiercest animal of all,” the whole table looks at him, waiting for the answer. “You seem to have forgotten the strongest beast of them all,” Dean pushes back a laugh and continues with his speech, “Wait for it,” Dean says drumming his hands on the table, “The Ox!” He shouts, bursting into laughter. “This conversation is so awesome!” Charlie exclaims, “I live for this.” Dean smiles, he’s so lucky to have his friends. Dean hears his phone vibrating on the table and picks it up quickly.

**Castiel: Yeah, just a little headache. Maybe I need to start wearing my glasses. Lol.**

Dean smiles dumbly at his phone, he was glad Cas was alright. But he still thought he had acted weird this morning. He ignores the feeling and shoots a text back.

 **Dean: Didn’t know you wore glasses. Sexy**.

Dean stares at his phone waiting for a reply until the bell rings to snap him out of it. His heart was fighting with his mind a ton lately. His mind tells him to not get involved because why get involved when Dean knows damn good and well he’s just going to break Cas’ heart. His heart on the other hand is telling him to go for it, because it knows Dean wants Cas. Conflicted as ever, Dean continues on to fourth period. Maybe getting in lost in Mr. Thompson’s lecture will take his mind off the beautiful blue eyed boy that has got him going crazy.

After school, Dean waits for Sam and they walk home like they do every day. “How was school Sammy?” Dean asks breaking the silence. “It’s Sam,” Sam replied with an eye roll, “And it was fine. I think I like a girl,” Dean looks over and sees his brother glowing red. “Ohhh, tell me more. Is she hot? Senior or Junior?” Dean interrogates, playfully punching Sam. “Well, her name is Jess, and she’s a freshman…” Sam staggers as he talks about her. “Freshman in college? Dang didn’t know you were into cougars.” Dean earns himself a punch in the arm from his brother, and he can’t help but burst into laughter. “Freshman in high school, you turd!” Dean snickers and ruffles his little brother’s hair, “I’m glad you found somebody, and so soon.” They get quiet again, and to himself Dean is thinking about Cas, and Jess, and Sam. How Sam has already found himself someone, and how he is contemplating on continuing to mess around or whether it’s time to actually be in a relationship for once.

They get home and Dean heads to his room, flopping on his bed. He stares at the dark drawings plastered on his wall, noticing how alone the girl is. He doesn’t want to end up like her. Dean dreams about being married someday. But maybe that’s just it, maybe it’s just a dream. Ever since his mother passed away he’s cut off everyone that was once close with him. Everyone except Sam. His father, though, was the one to cut Dean and Sam off. I guess they were just too big of a reminder of Mary. Dean understood that. John loved Mary with all his heart, and he would give anything in this world to see her just once more. Mary and John got married fairly young, and Dean was born about a year after the wedding. Mary would always whisper in Dean’s ear saying sweet things such as, “You’re a blessing,” or “You’re my sunshine Deanie.” Yeah, Deanie was nickname that caught on and never left him. Well it never left him until his mother died. After that no one dared to bring that name up, or anything else Mary did with the boys. Anyways, Dean witnessed how much John loved her. He would bring flowers home to her every day, and would even cook her dinner after a long day of work. When she passed, his father became severely depressed, and that’s when the moving began. John would find something that reminded him of Mary in every new place they went, so they’d pack up and leave. That was Dean’s ultimate fear; marrying someone, and being so in love and then have that person die. He never wanted to feel that. So Dean decided that feeling nothing was better than being heartbroken for the rest of his life.

Maybe he wasn’t so sure that’s what he wanted anymore. He’s a senior and hasn’t had one single relationship that has lasted longer than a couple of nights. But that fear tugged at his heart strings begging him not to fall. Dean looked at the time, _6:30. Damn, it’s already that time?_ Dean sits up and walks over to his closet. He picks out a dark green button up. He changes his shirt quickly and grabs his phone and leaves the house. He gets to the club at about 8 o’clock. Before getting to sit down, he’s bombarded by Daniel. Daniel is slightly built dude, with shaggy brown hair and light freckles scattering on his face. Dean and Daniel met and instantly hit it off, unfortunately Daniel was a bit attached. But Dean didn’t mind that much, he enjoyed the attention the blond gave him,it made him feel powerful.

Daniel takes a seat next to Dean and orders them both a beer. When they come, Dean flashes the bartender his fake ID and chugs his beer and orders another. Dean planned on drowning his thoughts with alcohol. He might feel better, and if alcohol doesn’t work, then the guy to his left will do. After about six shots and four beers Dean is ready to leave. “Wanna get out of here?” Dean grins and whispers into Daniel’s ear causing the blond to shiver. Daniel looks over and licks his lips, “I thought you’d never ask.” Daniel rises from the flimsy bar stool and walks out of the bar practically dragging Dean behind him. They catch a taxi and head to Daniel’s huge apartment. In the back seat Daniel’s hand is rubbing Dean’s thigh gently. Dean looks over, narrows his eyes and a grin appears on his lips.

They get to Daniel’s apartment in seven minutes. Before they even get inside, they smash their lips together in a hard, needy kiss. Dean pushes Daniel up against the apartment door and runs his hands through Daniel’s hair. In return, Daniel licks his way into Dean’s mouth, while his hands caresses Dean’s ass. Finally, Daniel is able to get the door open and tumble and fall onto the hardwood floor. “Ouch, shit!” Daniel says in between laughs. Dean chuckles for a minute and then gets back to making out with Daniel. After a few more minutes, Dean feels Daniel’s hands start to wander on his body until they stop at his belt buckle. Dean feels his body tense at the thought of Daniel taking him right here. Dean blocks out the thoughts, this has never happened to him before. He’s always been able to perform, why the hell is his body saying no now? In frustration, Dean rips off Daniel’s shirt exposing his well-toned body. Dean makes eye contact with Daniel as he runs his hands over the boy’s chest stopping once his fingers are over his nipples. Dean teasingly rubs each one, twisting them until he hears a groan come deep within Daniel’s throat. Dean leans in a crashes their lips together, stopping the groan. He sloppily kisses Daniel’s jaw and bites his neck. He feels Daniel’s throat vibrate under his lips with satisfaction. “You can leave marks,” Daniel spits out. On that note, Dean continues to suck on Daniel’s neck. He slides a leg between Daniel’s leg and feels Daniel’s erection against his thigh. Still sucking and biting on Daniel’s neck, Dean slowly rolls his hips causing the boy under him to moan with pleasure. Dean keeps at this until he’s left numerous hickeys. He lifts his head up and connects their lips once more, jabbing his tongue into Daniel’s mouth. Daniel’s hands are now back on Dean’s belt buckle and he begins to un do it. Dean’s body is still rejecting Daniel, so without the possible embarrassment, Dean swats Daniel’s hands away and start to undo Daniel’s pants. He tugs the jeans off, and Dean starts to kiss the inside of Daniel’s thighs. He decides to leave a few hickeys there as well. Dean sits up and put two fingers underneath the waist band of Daniel’s boxers, making eye contact. He pulls them down allowing Daniel’s erection to spring free. But, God damn it, he can’t do it. Daniel isn’t the one he wants in his mouth. Dean’s stomach wrenches and before it comes up, Dean turns his head and then throws up. Then everything goes black.

Dean wakes up but doesn’t dare open his eyes. His head is pounding with pain from last night. He remembers very clearly what went on and how he couldn’t go through with fucking Daniel. What the hell was that about anyways? Dean slowly swings his legs over the side of the black couch he ended up sleeping on, with closed eyes. “Good morning,” Daniel says a little too loudly, and Dean brings a finger to lips signaling for him to talk softer. “Sorry. Forgot how much you drank last night.” Dean silently chuckles, “Yeah that was rough. Look I’m sorry for upchucking, I don’t know what got into me.” Dean finally opens eyes and sees Daniel standing in front of him with a cup of coffee. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you didn’t throw up on me, otherwise you probably would’ve woken up outside.” Dean laughs and takes the cup of jo. “What time is it?” He watches as Daniel takes out his phone, “11 am.” Dean exhales and forces a smile on his face, “I gotta go.” Dean says as he lifts himself off the couch. He picks up his phone and walks to the door. “Yeah, of course you do,” Daniel speaks, “I’ll see you around.” Dean looks into the blond’s chocolate brown eyes, “See ya around,” Dean replies before turning around and beginning the slow walk home.

* * *

On Saturday afternoon Castiel decides to go out. “Hey Anna,” He calls from his room. When she arrives at his doorway Castiel asks if she wants to go shopping, “Can we go to the mall?” Cas rolls his eyes, “Pretty please?!” Castiel chuckles and slips on his Converse, “Yes we can.” Anna shrieks in excitement and runs to her room to get ready. After Cas is ready he walks to the kitchen. “I heard you’re taking your sister out,” He hears his mother say from the living room. “Yeah just thought we could have a sibling day or whatever,” When in reality he just did not want to spend the day in his house with his judgmental parents. Cas hears his mother walk over to him but he doesn’t look up from his phone. “Here,” She speaks and he looks to find his mother handing him a wad of bills, “Take this.” Castiel meets her eyes with a shocked look on his face, “Thanks,” He says, taking the money. “Okay, I’m ready,” Anna says causing Cas to break his stare with his mother. “Let’s go,” He says plainly walking out of the house.

They get in the car, and as usual, blare music. Cas drives for about ten minutes when he sees a figure walking on the side of the road facing away from him. When he gets closer he recognizes the leather jacket and the haircut. Dean. Castiel drives up next to him and rolls down the window, “Hey, you need a ride?” Cas calls, startling Dean. Dean looks at him, trying to form words. After a few seconds Cas pulls in front of Dean, “Get in,” He says back to Dean. Dean gets in the back seat, “Where y’all headed?” Dean asks before Cas starts to drive again. “I’m taking this brat to the mall,” Cas chuckles as he finishes the sentence and playfully tugs on his sister’s hair. “You wanna come?” Cas asks Dean, hoping he says yes. Castiel sees Dean’s face light up a little, “Yeah, sounds fun.” Cas smiles and meets Dean’s gaze in the review mirror, “Okay good.”

It takes about an hour to get to the mall and when they do, it’s packed. “Great, we’re going to have to park like ten miles away,” Cas complains driving around hoping to find a decent spot. He’s lucky to find one halfway back and takes it before anyone else has the chance. He takes the wad of bills out of his pocket and tucks them in his wallet, making sure Anna doesn’t see. They all get out and Anna starts to skip as they begin to walk towards the entrance. “So, why were you walking this morning?” Cas asks Dean as he watches Anna. “Uh, I was – I just wanted some fresh air,” Dean awkwardly spits out. “Ahh,” Cas nods and they remain silent until they walk into the mall.

“Anna, stay where I can see you,” Cas calls as Anna starts to walk off. “I’m not five years old, Cassy. I can handle myself.” Dean chuckles at Anna’s sass and Cas rolls his eyes at him. “Still, don’t go too far. I don’t wanna have to explain to your parents why you were kidnapped.” Dean gives Cas a weird look as he says ‘your parents.’ Did Anna have a different dad or mom? Dean thought to himself. They watch as Anna continues walking away towards the junior’s clothing. Cas walks over towards the watches and looks at the various designs. His mother had given him over a thousand dollars, and plus he had about 1500 on his debit card. So he decided to indulge himself with a new watch if he found the right one. “Which one do you like?” Dean asks watching as Cas looks at the Marc Jacob’s collection. An all-black watch with the word ‘MARC’ in gold and ‘JACOBS’ in black catches Cas’ eye. He glances at the price, $250. “I kinda like this one,” Cas says showing Dean the gorgeous watch. “Yeah, that’s cool, you should get it.” Cas opens his jacket and takes his glasses out of the inside pocket. He catches the salesperson and asks to see the watch. He slips his glasses on and picks up the watch examining it. “Nice glasses,” Dean says smiling at him. Cas’ face flushes, he totally forgot Dean has never seen him with glasses before. “How long have you had them?” Cas tells the salesperson he’d like to purchase the watch and turns to look at Dean, “Um, about my whole life,” He replies laughing. Cas hands the cashier three hundred dollar bills, takes his change, and then the two boys enter the mall.

They go into every store and make fun of all the goofy things they find. Dean spots a costume store and drags Castiel in. They wander around the store picking up crazy costume pieces and making a fool of themselves. “Cas!” Dean whispers. Castiel looks at him and is in shock at how good Dean looks. Dean stands in front of him wearing a black cape, black gloves, and a Batman mask. “I’m Batman,” Dean says mischievously. Cas huffs a breath and turns around to find himself a costume. When he finally gathers the pieces, he calls Dean to come over to him. When Dean sees what he’s wearing he smiles, “Guess this makes us enemies,” Dean chuckles at Cas who’s wearing a Superman costume. Cas laughs as he removes the costume, “Wouldn’t that be a disaster.”

Cas feels his stomach growl and looks over at Dean, “I’m starving. Let’s go get some food.” Dean nods in agreement and allows Cas to lead the way. They get to the food court and both of their mouths start to water. “I’m thinking Japanese. What about you?” Dean looks around the food court before meeting Cas’ beautiful blue eyes, “Sounds good to me.” Cas whips out his phone and shoots a text to Anna telling her that they’re getting food. Cas walks over to Japanese place and puts in an order for Hibachi chicken and shrimp with extra rice and a coke. “What do you want?” He asks Dean. “I can get mine,” Dean says pulling out his wallet. “C’mon, my treat.” Cas says swatting at Dean’s wallet. “Okay fine. I’ll have the same,” he tells the cashier. Cas pays, they get their food and find a seat. “You didn’t need to do that,” Dean says digging in to his lunch. “Think of it as payment for cheating in Physics.” Dean laughs, “Okay, okay. But you still owe me,” Dean says grinning. “Ugh, fine.” They chuckle and continue stuffing their faces. Cas takes off his glasses and sets them on the table. They don’t stay there for long. Dean picks up the glasses and puts them on, “How do I look?” Dean says posing in the glasses, causing Cas to erupt with laughter. “Freaking hot,” He replies feeling his face slightly heat up. Dean leaves them on and finishes up his food, and Cas’ heart leaps with happiness as he admires Dean. This day has been amazing for him. Being around Dean makes Cas happy, and that’s a rare feeling. But the dark pit in his stomach starts to surface. What is Cas going to do about these feelings?

They throw their things away when they’re done and meet Anna at the front of the mall. Cas spots Anna with at least ten bags on her arms and immediately feels guilty. He had totally forgotten to give her cash, so Anna had to use her debit card. He’ll just put the money in her account later. “You ready to go?” He asks taking a couple bags from her. “Yeah, I think I did enough damage,” Anna laughs quietly to herself as they walk out the door. “Oh my gosh Cas, you parked so far away.” Cas looks at his sister who is practically dragging her feet. He catches Dean looking at her as well. “Here give me those bags,” Dean says and Anna does as she’s told. “I’ll give you a piggy-back ride,” Dean continues standing in front of her and bending his knees a little so she could get on his back. “Thank you, Dean!” Anna cheerfully says, and Cas smiles at him. His fantasies start to come back, the ones about a boyfriend taking care of his sister and being sweet and nice to her.

The three of them get back to Elmhurst and Dean asks Cas to pull over when they get near the high school. Confused, Cas does as Dean asks. “I’m just gonna walk the rest of the way home.” Dean opens the door and gets out. Cas does the same, “Everything okay?” Cas asks walking towards him. “Yeah, man everything’s fine. I just want to walk.” Cas smiles, and adjusts his glasses. “Thanks for today,” Dean says grinning at him. “Thank you for coming, Dean.” They make eye contact and Cas drowns in Dean’s eyes. A piece of him wants to walk up to Dean and lay one on him, but he restricts himself from doing so. Anna honks the horn, and Dean and Cas snicker. “Well, have a good night,” Cas says. “You too, Castiel.” Dean turns around and starts to walk. Cas stands there for a couple more seconds watching him walk away. A roll of shivers come over him, the way Dean said his name made him melt. Damn, this boy was taking over his heart and all he could do was let him. All he wanted to do was let him, and maybe, just maybe Dean will feel the same way. Cas smiles at the thought and gets back in the car and continues home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii! So so so sorry for it being late! I had a really tough week, and just never got around to completing this chapter. I hope you enjoy! I really like this chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! This is my first real fiction and I'm very excited about it! This chapter is about 5,000 words and I plan for each chapter to have that average amount or more. I hope they reach up to 10,000! I'm so sorry In advance for typos, haha. I hope you enjoy!


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